(Sunday, November 9, 2008)
SINGAPORE 2:38 PM
Comparing Ourselves
You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to believe that if you want to improve your lot. Books and seminars on personal growth can preach the same message. When we are over critical of ourselves, we tend to resent people who are doing better. Take Frank who is married to Jane. Frank is an upwardly mobile executive. Jane stays at home with the kids. She feels she lead a dull life while Frank is carving out a career. Result- Jane resent Frank. Day and night she criticises the man whom she swore to love and cherish in sickness and health. And the reason - Jane doesn't like herself, so she finds things wrong with Frank - and everyone else.
When others do really well, Jane feels inadequate, so she gets critical. Her criticism really had nothing to do with Frank - it has to do with her own self- concept. Their relationship can never improve until she starts to like herself better. If we see only our faults, we expect that others will see only our faults. Therefore, the unfortunate fact is, we're always waiting to be rejected.
Take Fred who believes he's a failure. He worries that his girlfriend, Mary, might also think he's a failure. He is very sensitive about not being as successful as the neighbours. He knows he's overweight and suspects his nose is too big. Because Fred doesn't like himself, he feels self-conscious and second rate. He fears Mary is on the lookout for someone better. He is easily offended and he nags her daily. Poor Fred can't forget his own problems for long enough to really care for Mary. Result - Mary feels unloved because Fred feels bad about himself. When out self-image is poor, our friends always suffer.
Comparing ourselves is a trap. There will always people who are more talented, richer, smarter, wittier or more popular then we are. Parents and teachers and lovers may often say, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" The answer is, "Because i am NOT my brother. If i were, i'd be exactly like him!"
At some point of time we each must decide, "I'm a unique individual. I don't have to be a carbon copy of my mother or my neighbour or anyone else." We can affirm, "I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best i can with the information available. I'm working at being a better person AND I accept myself for the moment."
We, like Jane and Fred, need to stop measuring ourselves against our friends or partners or the Joneses across the street. Instead, we begin to set ourselves goals and targets which make sense to us. We measure our growth this year in terms of our OWN progress last year, rather than against the neighbours' progress. We draw our satisfaction and sense of worth from our own development.
.....
The pschoanalysts, Dr. Bernard Berkowitz and Mildred Newman, write - "People who don't love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they cannot love others, beacuse love is an affirmation of the living, growing being in all of us. If you don't have it, you can't give it."
"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all"
Adapted From "Making Friends"
Ilustrated By "Matthew Andrews"
|
